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Embrace The Fear

July 14th, 2008

Depressed again @ 09:48 pm

Current Mood: depressed depressed

Lots of things have been happening. Not talking with the kids, Jason not living at home but at his sisters, my sweet kitty is missing, not ok at the job, not ok with school. I'm at a point in my life when I'm asking God what this is all about? What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why am I at odds with my kids? Why has my kitty not returned home? Why am I in a job that is over my head?? I should have been a secretary back into a lawfirm first before jumping straight into paralegal work. Not a good time for me. Not good at all.

November 16th, 2007

(no subject) @ 07:30 pm

Wow, this community was dead for awhile.

November 14th, 2007

Ugh..... @ 06:39 am

Current Mood: groggy groggy and scared

I just had the worst nightmares all night. I woke up screaming twice! Now I'm afraid of going back to sleep. I'm totally freaking out at the keyboard right now. I *don't* want to go back to sleep.

October 11th, 2006

Waking up... @ 11:42 am

It's like waking up with a ton of bricks on your chest. And even then, waking up is not enough. You have to drag yourself out of bed, get dress, eat. And the face in the bathroom mirror when you're brushing your teeth has become a complete stranger. You probably remember the face, but it just doesn't click anymore.

You don't function like a normal human. You try. Plastic smiles underneath porcelain skin. You got to shopping malls and stand in themiddle saying to yourself that you'd at least try to be normal today. The whole thing collapses and you want to hide in every corner. 

You hide away, smoking cigarettes or whatever keeps you down. Your friends become strangers. And happiness is just a passing memory. For years you've been battling a secret disease and thinking others knowing would ease the pain, but the truth is it hasn't. Everything's been exactly the same and your friends now watch you suffer and that makes it even worse.

Your family do their best to help but you reject them even though you cry out for their hands.

And sleep is the only place where you can get rest, but that's only if sleep comes toyou. Only if./

October 10th, 2006

Heard this one on TV @ 05:08 pm

Current Mood: anxious Anxious with no good reason

If you go in terrified, you're gonna get whooped; if you go in head down, ass up, sparks flying, you're gonna come out ok.

October 9th, 2006

(no subject) @ 08:38 am

I'm flying home tomorrow. Only 2 hours and a half but I'm scared I will have a panic attack on the plane.

September 27th, 2006

Oddities @ 08:38 pm

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

I have a fair few mind you.

I have a weird obsession with Comet. I love it, I use it to clean everything. If I can't have the powder, I'll settle for other things, but I love the way it smells, and the weird paste it makes.

I have a strange sttraction to bleach (the way it smells) as well as the smell of fresh paint.

Milk makes me gag if I try to drink it, and I don't like chocolate except on rare occasion. But I like frozen chocolate chips.

I'll listen to same song for days on end (currently, I Will Follow You).

I'm terrified of learning how to drive. Petrified really...and will think of any excuse whatsoever to not practice.I've purposely not renewed my permit for 2 years, just so I could have an excuse not to climb behind the wheel. The very thought spirals me into a panic attack that makes me want to throw up.

I'm afraid of the dark. Even after all these years, I hate that moment in bed before I turn out the light. I hate living with people, but I hate being alone after dark. I don't like houses, I love apartments...houses are too big. I haven't lived in a house in...a long time, and chances are, I won't for a long time yet.

I hate the smell of wet food. Like, people that fill the sink with water to soak the dishes...I hate that smell. It makes me gag, and I have to leave the room.

I'm obsessive about other people touching my stuff. It lies around my house in heaps and piles of clutter, but the thought of anyone touching it to help me clean throws me into a fit. I become very snippish and caustic and mean. In a heartbeat.

There's more, and mabe I'll share later...but I think I've prattled on long enough for enough...

September 20th, 2006

(no subject) @ 06:19 pm

I know how this will sound but ... I want to share...
I have just discovered that I am compulsive-obsessive about spam
I can't stand having emails in the Spam folder in any of my mailboxes (I have quite a few)
I just HAVE to delete it
and when I see spam I get really irritaed... as if it was anything important.
I was trying not to delete it but then i keep on thinking about this...

I definitely need something to do!

September 19th, 2006

....So here's my entry.... @ 08:09 am

Current Mood: blah blah

It's always the same. Six ice cubes, four steps. Six ice cubes, four steps. Wait, no. It's not always the same same. Sometimes it's four ice cubes, six steps. Or two ice cubes and eight steps.

It's not the most enjoyable life, but I live it. Because I have to.

Two years ago I was told I had mild depression as if it were salsa and I can either get the lesser or the greater instead of the mild. And of course, this makes sense because I'm not able to just sit down and brush one hand through my hair, I have to do the other as well. And not just that. If I touch the tip of a pen, guess what I have to do? I have to touch it evenly with all ten fingers, and then flip it over and start  touching the other side as well. People don't notice me when I do this. Or when I start biting the flesh off my corners of my fingernails, and like clock work, I do all ten of them, biting twenty times. 

Sometimes it's as if it's all beyond my control because many a time it is beyond my control. 

When I'm watching TV, and I put one hand underneath my head, I have to switch hands before the commercial break is over so that both hands have been under my head for the exact same amount of time. It's a screw loose.

"Why put even number of ice in your glass, Willie?" someone would ask me
"Because the soda doesn't taste as good."

And it's true. It just doesn't. I can't handle a drink with odd number of ice. I've been trying to break the spell, you know. Purposely taking in odd number of ice, chews, steps. But the insides of me twist and turn and rip themselves. Take that extra step Willie. Take it!

September 13th, 2006

ARGH! @ 03:37 pm

Current Mood: hungry hungry


It's been that kind of day.

Embrace The Fear